Transformers movie review - leave kiddies at home

Not as disappointing as The Phantom Menace, but close. If you like metal and steel and high-maintenance females, and don't have anything to do for about two and a half hours, you'll love Transformers - Revenge of the Fallen, opening everywhere this weekend. Here's the film in a nutshell - Things blow up. People run. Things shoot. People scream. Things explode. People jump in the air. I have a limit on how much firepower should be in a movie. Michael Bay doesn't.

But it's the vulgarity, not the overindulgence of explosives, that hurts the film the most.

20 minutes into the film, it transforms into American Pie. Sam is just arriving on campus with his viagra-fueled parents to check out the crazy dorm life. His mom smokes grass and tells some students about her son's sex life. Dad tries to calm her down, but not before she says "$#!t!" a few times and storms out. It gets better. 20 minutes later the movie transforms into Species. This part, well, you'll just have to see it for yourself. And the randiness isn't just saved for humans. Both dogs and robots, by my estimation, reach second base. Sometimes with a leg. Sometimes with each other. This combined with the crude, unnecessary language made me uncomfortable throughout the movie. I don't recall hearing the F-bomb, but if that's the case, it would be the only bomb not used in the movie.

There are bright spots. For starters - Dwight Schrute. Also the CGI is what you'd expect - top notch and mind blowing. John Turturro is again interesting - minus a brutally disgusting de-trouser scene. Sam's mom steals a few scenes. The rest of the cast do their best given the amount of green screens. And it's a good thing too, because Megatron can't act. Neither can Optimus Prime. The robot personalites are never explored, in turn making us care very little for who wins or loses. Plus it's hard to make heads or tails of who's fighting who in the battle scenes. Instead of focusing on well known characters like Soundwave and the Constructicons, Bay gives too much love to unknown personalities like Megatron's boss and some old beardy robot that has changed alliances.

The plot? I'm not sure there is one. I think it transformed into Megan Fox's lipstick. I suppose it involves saving Optimus. Which is perplexing given that Optimus Prime doesn't seem like an answer to the problem. This is a hero that always seems on the 101 headed for the battle driving as fast as possible to help out. (Also, I can't help hearing Eeyore everytime he talks). The movie is based on a missing piece to a puzzle, or some pyramid access or something. I'm not even sure. But delivering an incapacitated Optimus halfway around the world was the biggest part of the movie. And just as the military helicopter is carefully approaching the landing carring the wounded robot, it unleashed the ropes holding him, dropping him 3 stories on the concrete. This pretty much sums up the film. Never wasting a chance to have something loud crash onto something big.

Like 'Jurrasic Park', 'Transformers' charm came and went in the first film. By the time the seqal arrives, the curiosity and uniqueness is gone. What's left is just scrap metal.